"Romnesia" declared a candidate diagnosis for the much awaited DMS-V
By ONANTZIN News
2012-10-25
Austin, TX -- Last week President Obama took a jab at republican candidate Mitt Romney by pointing out that there should be a medical term for Romney’s amnesia-like condition. He called it "Romnesia", but little did he know that the word is already a candidate diagnosis for the much awaited DMS-V, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, version 5.
Known as the "psychology bible" in some circles, the DSM-V is scheduled to be published sometime next year and will include a list of terms and diagnoses to describe the latest wacky conditions affecting individuals, including people's inability to remember their past political positions.
"Romnesia is a condition that we have spent 20 years researching", stated psychology professor Eugene Hammond, a well known author and leading member of the DSM-V research team. "We were having difficulty finding a word that captured all of the symptoms associated with this disease, but then Romney came along, projecting all the negative effects of this condition during the campaign trail, so it was decided by a panel of non-partisan psychologists to name the disease after him."
Although the list of candidate diagnoses for the latest version of the DSM is kept confidential, researchers and authors of the psychology manual said they welcomed the unexpected media exposure. They stated their belief that the president's use of the term "Romnesia" was purely coincidental, albeit shocking, and said that it prompted them to release a preliminary showing of the new candidate disease.
The following is a first-look view of Romnesia, courtesy of the DSM-V:
Section 10.A: Diagnostic criteria for XXX.01 Romnesia
Romnesia is an subtype of amnesic disorder, which can lead to incompetent cognitive performance(i.e., being a dumb-ass). Usually this cognitive deficit is caused by trauma, or substance abuse; however, clinicians are now convinced that a new onset for this subtype of amnesia is caused by an overwhelming combination of indecision and flip-flopping.
To be diagnose with Romnesia, the subject must manifest three or more of the following symptoms for at least 6-months.
A) Thoughts of euphoria (such as being president), feeling superior, or using the word "gosh" to counter a problem
B) Memory disturbance, which causes the person to forget his or her personal history, faith, or political stand
C) Conflicting ideation, leading to the ability to agree with both sides of an argument at the same time
D) A robot-like defensive mechanism used in public to avoid true self
E) Incoherent mathematical skills
F) Unnatural physical gestures (like those of a robot or manikin)
G) Auditory hallucinations (specifically hearing commentary that he or she is loved by everyone)
H) Strong affiliation to a fictitious based religious group (specifically Bullshit Mountain)
Recommendations:
A) A 4 year break from any political activity
B) Cognitive and physical therapy for robot-like symptoms
C) Magnetic Resonnance Imaging to check for possible swelling from the left hemisphere (due to poor linear thinking, logic, and mathematical reasoning)
Others terms being considered for the DSM-V are: "santorumaphrenia", which describes a person with severe delusions that he can become president, and "pendehue-imbecilus", a condition that uniquely affects people once they start working for Fox News.