Republicans willing to raise taxes on the rich if poor people agree to move out of Ohio
By ONANTZIN News
2012-12-06
Washington, DC -- Unable to come to an agreement with president Obama over how to avoid the fiscal cliff, republicans have opted to try and negotiate directly with the American people.
Striking an unusual tone of optimism today, house speaker John Boehner announced that republicans are now willing to put tax increases on the table if, in exchange, every poor person currently living in the state of Ohio agrees to move to a different, preselected state.
"Not immediately, of course. That would be spectacularly ridiculous," said Mr. Boehner.
In return for their willingness to compromise, the speaker of the house assures poor Ohioans that they would have ample time to move out of the state, until January 2016 to be precise, with a ten month grace period lasting until November 2016 -- in case people were to run into any small problems during their relocation.
To sweeten the deal, republicans are also offering poor Ohioans who accept their proposal a $20.00 voucher, redeemable at any pharmacy, to cover the co-payment on any prescription medication.
"We feel that dealing with the president and the democrats is counterproductive at this point," stated John Boehner. "They don't take our proposals seriously, and it's time to stop playing games so we can avert the automatic tax hikes and spending cuts looming on the horizon. That is why we decided to offer the public this generous offer."
If Ohioans refuse to compromise, republicans say they have a backup plan, which is to try and negotiate directly with the sick and elderly. The same offer will be made to them, says John Boehner, but instead of moving to another state, all that they [the sick and elderly] have to do is agree to die, immediately.