Monkey with mental disorder announces his candidacy for the presidency: joins the pool of Republican contenders
By ONANTZIN News
2011-05-23
Los Angeles, CA -- Following a recent outburst of complete nonsense by Pepi the Monkey, where he went on a rant about big government gone bananas, immigrant criminals stealing his food, shitty Middle Eastern countries killing his simian brothers, and stupid unions ruining his education, captivated Republican and Tea Party groups convinced the unapologetic monkey to launch his official bid for the presidency.
"He speaks with such passion and conviction about the issues that matter to everyday Americans", said Toby Hill, a Tea Party member who's thrilled about Pepi's potential.
Pepi, an unusual monkey from the LA Zoo, became a fan favorite several years ago, when it was discovered that his mental disorder left him disabled in several ways, but gave him the ability to talk and repeat the stupid nonsense he'd hear people say. As an experiment, zoo keepers put a television in front of Pepi and turned it on, not knowing that the TV was set to Fox News; Three years later, and a lexicon based entirely on the tirades from Fox News "journalists", Pepi is taking conservatives by storm. He has energized thousands with his political rhetoric and continues to gain support with his hardline stance on controversial issues, including the following:
1) Feels all gay people should be relocated to San Francisco, and then San Francisco should be nuked with a hydrogen bomb.
2) Government is inefficient, so he wants to get rid of it completely.
3) Wants to declare war against Iran, North Korea, Mars, Planet of the Apes, Pluto, and the rest of the Solar System.
4) Says private bankers can take over medicare and fix it, just like they fixed the housing market.
5) Wants federal tax revenue to go directly to the top 10 biggest corporations and avoid the hassle of making it go through the federal government first.
6) All immigrants should be thrown in jail and put to work as indentured servants for 10 years.
7) Instead of closing Guantanamo Bay, he wants the US to open one in every country.
8) All teachers should be fired (no other details given... just said fire all teachers)
Pepi has yet to say who he likes as a potential running mate, but sources say it's starting to look like it will be a close call between Sarah Palin and an electronic stuffed bear who repeats 10 republican talking points at random.