Newt Gingrich refuses to abandon sinking ship: looks for help from day laborers
By ONANTZIN News
2011-06-10
Los Angeles, CA -- Newt Gingrich's 2012 bid for the presidency is in disarray. His entire senior political leadership resigned from his election campaign this week, and his overall Republican support has dwindled; news agencies report that Gingrich can't even replace the person who dances, tosses, and flips the 'Newt for President' sign outside his office.
Unable to get any new Republicans - let alone Democrats or Independents - to fill the abandoned spots in his campaign, The Huffington Post reports that a desperate Gingrich was spotted outside of Home Depot this morning attempting to hire several day laborers to help him run things.
"I am committed to running the substantive, solutions-oriented campaign I set out to run earlier this spring," declared Gingrich on his Facebook page. "The campaign begins anew Sunday in Los Angeles with my newly formed team".
That newly formed team, which Gingrich impressively assembled in just 10 minutes outside of a Home Depot, comes from an unlikely source of immigrants that Gingrich has so strongly denounced over the years.
"They'll have to do for now", stated Gingrich, as he publicly introduced his new political leadership: "Julio, you will replace Rick Tyler, my former spokesman... you speak English, right?". Julio nodded. "Eddie, you're my new campaign manager - to hell with Rob Johnson. And Osvaldo, you will be my new senior strategist; Dave Carney didn't do much anyway, so I'm sure you'll do just fine".
When asked if they knew what they were getting into, the day laborers replied: "Claro que si. Para eso estamos aqui; hacemos los trabajos que los Americanos no quieren hacer. Ademas, Newt dijo que nos hiba a comprar lonche", which means "Of course we do. That's why we're here; we do the jobs Americans don't want to do. Plus, he's buying lunch".