Arizona's SB1070 virus mutates, shows up in Georgia as stronger HB87 strain
By ONANTZIN News
2011-06-22
Atlanta, GA -- SB1070, the virus that spread like wildfire through the state of Arizona in 2010 - leaving its inhabitants with an insatiable zombie-like hunger to devour illegal immigrants - has mutated into a more aggressive virulent strain that's hit the state of Georgia.
HB87, named after it's first victim "Joe Hill Billy" from Georgia's 87th district, appeared in Georgia earlier this year, but scientists were not ready to declare it as a mutated form of Arizona's SB1070 virus in the initial months.
It took scientists at Georgia State University several months before they were able to isolate the virus strain and conclusively declare that HB87 was indeed a stronger, exponentially more vicious version of Arizona's SB1070 virus, which infects Americans of all ages. Their detailed report, published in this month's issue of the American Journal of Science, describes in detail the similarities to SB1070 as well as the mutations.
Where SB1070 targets Americans and sucks the life out of them, leaving victims in a quasi-human, zombie-like state with a voracious appetite for the tastiest meat possible – that of frightened illegal immigrants, HB87's more devastating effects cause victims to target not only illegal immigrants and devour them, but also those that have come in close proximity to illegal immigrants - a phenomenon that has puzzled scientists.
Although scientists understand that victims of SB1070 can smell illegal immigrants and target them because their meat is significantly tastier, they are not able to explain how simply coming into contact with an illegal immigrant makes you an appealing target, despite age, race, sex, or color.
"We learned that an illegal immigrant's extremely heightened sense of fear and vulnerability releases chemicals into the blood, which makes their sun roasted meat a lot tastier and highly addictive for those infected with SB1070, but with HB87, we are at a loss. Coming into close proximity with an illegal alien certainly makes you a tastier target, but we have no idea how", said Luke Wallace, the leading scientists at Georgia State University.
"I have a theory: maybe the unique odor from an illegal immigrant permanently stays with anyone who comes into close contact with him or her. This makes the non-immigrants attractive targets for those infected with HB87, who can pick up the scent days and even years after contact – something not even our best instruments can do. The more I say it though, the sillier and sillier it sounds. Like I said, we are at a loss; this is really beyond the realm of science and logic", added Wallace.
Due to the nature of HB87, anyone who hires, works with, or drives with an illegal immigrant is a potential target and needs to take full precaution. People are advised not to shake hands, share straws, or even talk to illegal immigrants until a cure is found, or until all the illegal immigrants are eaten by the zombies.
"What about those of us who were born to illegal immigrants? What the Fu*$ are we supposed to do?", asked Julio Ramirez of Atlanta Georgia when he realized his particular predicament.
"You my son... you are as good as dead", replied the entire state of Georgia.