Dow falls 500 points: worst day for rich people since 2008
By ONANTZIN News
2011-08-04
New York, NY -- The Dow Jones Industrial Average, a measure of how efficiently rich people make money off the backs of the poor, lost a whopping 512 points today over fears that a second recession might cause thousands of people to stop buying meaningless junk.
"If we dive into a second recession, poor people could lose their jobs, their homes, and their entire life savings - again. While that might not seem like a big deal, unfortunately, that also means they won't have enough money to go shopping, buy Coke, and eat McDonald's", stated Sam Stovall, chief investment strategist at Standard & Poor's. "If that were to happen, it would be catastrophic; our investments in those companies would be severely affected, not to mention our 401k retirement plans".
As the market dropped throughout the day, wealthy investors went into "panic alert", pulling their investments from company after company as they struggled to comprehend where things went wrong.
"I don't understand", stated Paul O'Neal from Bank of America's investment division. "The US borrows money from China; instead of wasting that money creating jobs for the poor, it gives a chunk of it to the rich in the form of tax breaks and lucrative contracts (the rest is admirably spent killing terrorists who threaten our way of life); the rich use the money more efficiently to create jobs for the poor in America, and in return, the poor buy our meaningless junk. Like I said, I don't know what we're doing wrong".
The US could well be headed for a double-dip recession, a situation that last occurred 30 years ago and saw millions of poor people lose everything, but more importantly, it lead to as many as 5 wealthy investors jumping to their death over the loss of their retirement accounts.
In other related, but less-interesting news, Banks throughout the United States foreclosed on 10,000 homes that poor people could no longer afford to live in.