Rich 1% lash out at Occupy Wall St protesters: say the rich control only 39% of the wealth, not 40%
By ONANTZIN News
2011-10-18
New York, NY -- Tired of poor people misrepresenting their wealth and power, billionaires from across the country spoke out against the Occupy Wall Street protesters and condemned them for perpetuating the lie that they control 40% of the US wealth, when, according to them, they control a meager 39% of America's wealth.
Speaking from his private suite in the house of representatives, Goldman Sach's CEO Lloyd Blankfein told the associated press, "This claim that we control so much wealth is outright preposterous; we control a measly 39% of the wealth, which is not even enough to get us the US Army's nuclear codes – those go for 55% of America's wealth."
Backing up Lloyd Blankfein's words was Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan, who canceled his weekly appointment to get his testicles shined at the Senate in order to deliver the following words on the matter: "These left-wing hippies are being completely dishonest. If we really controlled so much wealth, we could get the entire Senate to lick our balls. Instead, at a pathetic 39% of the wealth, we have to settle for a poorly executed wax job from John Boehnor and a dozen other senators."
The development marks the first time that America's ultra rich retaliate against the growing protest movement, which bases part of its long list of accusations on economist Joseph Stiglitz’s recent finding that 1% of Americans control about 40% of the wealth – a finding that had not been subjected to scrutiny, until now.
"Data can be distorted to promote a particular group's point of view, and in this case, the protesters are perpetuating a distortion of economist Joseph Stiglitz’s findings. If you read his report, you will find that Stiglitz never says we control 40% of the wealth; he says we control a-b-o-u-t 40% – that's a hell of a difference," stated JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon. "That's why we can never have an honest argument in this country, because people are always trying to distort the truth."
Other CEOs also commented on the accusations by the Occupy Wall Street protesters, and this morning, a group of 20 CEOs released a unified message saying that the downtrodden 99% of Americans are acting like big bullies.
Whether or not this call for sympathy by the rich will resonate with people is yet to be seen, but regardless of that outcome, it appears the rich will have no trouble getting sympathy from politicians.
According to Fox News, John Boehnor announced that he would go out of his way to make sure the "job creators" are protected from the vicious, dishonest attacks by the depraved 99% of Americans. Additionally, he said he would be willing to lick any billionaire CEO's balls at a discounted price in order to help the CEO's anger subside.